Filial son - Italian way

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

Hide-n-seek

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employee had not phoned in
sick.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello".

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No".

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,

"Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked,"Is anybod y else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through
the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,

"The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME"

Its all written...

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'

Man Vs. Woman

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

Cigarretes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

Hehe... I think soon this man will be on the back of the milk carton :P

A wife's revenge

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

Woman's Perfect Breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Divorce, Custody and Pepsi Cola

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out,
does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, he won!

The Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little Brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera , and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, sniff, sniff, "...a prostitute dad!" sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."

Don't lie to your Mama

A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with a roommate, a girl named Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, whilewatching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was morebetweenKumar and his housemate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts,Kumarvolunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just housemates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"Kumar said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm saying that you 'did not' take the chutney Jar. But the fact remainsthat it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.Love, Kumar.

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by nowunder the pillow! Love, Mom.

Lesson of the day : Don't Lie to Your Mother - especially if she is your Mama-ji

A caring father

A physician picked up his phone in the middle of the night to the frantic cries of one of his patients: "Doctor, you gotta help me! My 12-year old just swallowed a condom!," the distraught father cried.The concerned MD grabbed his bag and headed for the door. As he turned the knob, the phone rang again, and the previously agitated parent said, "Never mind, we found another one!"

You are what your name is

There was a woman who had 3 daughters. One day the first daughter asked her mother, "Why is my name Daisy?"Her mother replied, "Because when you were born a daisy fell upon your tiny head."Then the second daughter asked her mother, "Why is my name Rose?" Her mother answered, "Because when you were born a rose fell upon your tiny head."The third daughter, hearing this, muttered something under her breath. "What?" asked her mother. The third daughter again said,"Hrehow thouwehera yseeeeeeeher." Her mother, frustrated at her daughter's lack of speech skills, said, "Shut up, fridge!"