Forgive your enemies, says the preacher

The Sunday sermon was, Forgive Your Enemies, and toward the end of the service, the preacher asked his congregation," How many of you have forgiven their enemies?" About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded,except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?" Inquired the preacher; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." She replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:......"They all died......I outlived them all!"

Its all written...

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'

The Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little Brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera , and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, sniff, sniff, "...a prostitute dad!" sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."

The Parable of Two Catholic Parrots

TWO CATHOLIC PARROTS

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him:"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase i n no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

Holy Athritis

A drunk, who smelled of beer sat down, on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping with prostitutes, and lack of personal hygiene."The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, gently put his hand on the man's arm to apologize, "I'm sorry.... I should not have been so harsh. How long have you had arthritis?""I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk replied. "I was just reading here that the Pope does. "

A penny for you?

A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God. "God? You there, God?" he asked. "Yes. What is it, my son?" God answered. "Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked. "Go ahead, my son, anything." "God, what is a million years to you?" God answered, "A million years to me is only a second.">The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny." The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question."God, can I have a penny?" God answered, "Sure, give me a second."