Important HR Memo

To all Employees:

Effective January 2007

Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Compassionate Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

5 parts of marriage

Marriage - (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock everynight ........whether you're here or not."(BOY, SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************

Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last" (HE ASKED FOR IT!)******************************

Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make ammends and call his wife to apologize. The phone rang for a long time and finally the wife answered and the irritated husband asked, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!" (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)*******************************

Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." (RIGHT ON, LADY!)
******************************

Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
******************************

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Diet coke?

Have a Diet Coke today...

Best anti theft car system

You can park your car and leave the keys in the ignition and you will still have your car there untouched. The best anti theft car system ever imagined

Holy Athritis

A drunk, who smelled of beer sat down, on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping with prostitutes, and lack of personal hygiene."The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, gently put his hand on the man's arm to apologize, "I'm sorry.... I should not have been so harsh. How long have you had arthritis?""I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk replied. "I was just reading here that the Pope does. "

What airlines are you?

Once upon a time in Singapore, there lived a happy couple, Mr. & Mrs. Chan with their 3 lovely daughters; Elin, Enya & Ella. The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper way and when they reached 20, they were still virgins. Years passed, and it was time to get them married. So, the parents found them the most suitable grooms. They got married and were preparing to set-off on their honeymoon. As 'concerned' parents, Mr.& Mrs. Chan were curious about their daughters' first-night experience. So, before the daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs. Chan told them...... "Your father & I want to know about your 1st night encounters and whether you are satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as not to raise your husbands' curiosity... you all must use a code to describe your experiences" .

So, the excited daughters were off. A week passed. Mr.& Mrs. Chan got the first letter. It was from Elin. They opened the letter and found the word STANDARD CHARTERED. They immediately took the newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered advertisement. Ah! here it is!!!!, exclaimed Mr. Chan. The motto forStandard Chartered was.... "BIG, STRONG FRIENDLY...Mr. & Mrs. Chan were happy.

A week later, they got another letter. This time it was from Enya. The content was simple "NESCAFE". So, again they took the newspaper and looked for The Nescafe ad. Ah! here it is. 'NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP'. Mr. & Mrs.Chan jumped in joy.

Another week passed. A month passed. 2 months passed. There was still no letter from Ella. The Chans became worried. Finally, the letter came. It was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs. Chan managed to figure it out. The code was "PHILIPPINE AIRLINES". Mr. Chan, confused on why she chose Philippine Airlines, rushed to the nearest store and got a newspaper. He flipped the pages frantically........... ...ah!Here it is!!! Mrs. Chan grabbed the page and read aloud. Before she could finish ....THUMP!!! ... she fell off her chair...

The Airlines motto was... "7 TIMES A WEEK... 6 TIMES A DAY... NON-STOP".

Don't lie to your Mama

A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with a roommate, a girl named Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, whilewatching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was morebetweenKumar and his housemate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts,Kumarvolunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just housemates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"Kumar said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm saying that you 'did not' take the chutney Jar. But the fact remainsthat it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.Love, Kumar.

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by nowunder the pillow! Love, Mom.

Lesson of the day : Don't Lie to Your Mother - especially if she is your Mama-ji

Think before you speak

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. S000000, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

It's time for the Stella Awards

Time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards."The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck, whom spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous,successful lawsuits in the United States. Here are this year's winners:

7th Place: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

6th Place: 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was tryingto steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic doo ropener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place!

4th Place: Jerry W illiams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle.The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.The award was less than originally sought, because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time, by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place:A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth.This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchase d a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motorhome. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich.... Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner' s manual that she couldn't actually do this.The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home.The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other ... complete morons around.

Did they really say that?

Please, somebody please, tell me these are all fictitious quotes

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and Why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,which is why I would not live forever,"--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd loveto be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett,University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of thelowest crime rates in the country,"--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to deathby a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas .

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."--Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. Agenius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President (No shit, Sherlock, it takes no genius to figure that out)

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Most irresistible offer you can't refuse

Can the offer get any better?

Peanuts for you?

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "why don't you eat the peanuts yourselves?" "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

Queen of the blondes

Do I need to say further? This is definitely the queen of the blondes :P

There is nothing wrong with blondes, but just that....

How to write an effective resignation letter

The future of politics

A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? The father replied, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid.The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table,"Dad, I think I understand politics much better now." "Excellent,my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?" The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap."

How to keep a healthy level of insanity

1. AT LUNCH TIME, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR WITH SUNGLASSES ON AND POINT A HAIR DRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN.

2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM. DON'T DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.

3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING, ASK IF THEY WANT THAT SUPER-SIZED.

4. PUT YOUR GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR DESK AND LABEL IT "IN"

5. PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEE MAKER FOR 3 WEEKS. ONCE EVERYONE HAS GOTTEN OVER THEIR CAFFEINE ADDICTIONS, SWITCH TO ESPRESSO.

6. IN THE MEMO FIELD OF ALL YOUR CHECKS, WRITE "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."

7. FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCES WITH "IN ACCORDANCE WITH THEPROPHECY."

8. DON'T USE PUNCTUATION.

9. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, SKIP RATHER THAN WALK.

10. ASK PEOPLE WHAT GENDER THEY ARE.

11. SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE-THROUGH ORDER IS "TO GO."

12. SING ALONG AT THE OPERA.

13. GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE POEMS DON'T RHYME.

14. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA. PLAY A TAPE OF JUNGLE SOUNDS ALL DAY.

15. FIVE DAYS IN ADVANCE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD.

16. HAVE YOUR COWORKERS ADDRESS YOU BY YOUR WRESTLING NAME, ROCK HARD JIM.

17. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT THE ATM, SCREAM "I WON!","I WON!" 3RD TIME THIS WEEK!!!!!"

18. WHEN LEAVING THE ZOO, START RUNNING TOWARDS THE PARKING LOT, YELLING,"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY'RE LOOSE!!"

19. TELL YOUR CHILDREN OVER DINNER. "DUE TO THE ECONOMY, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU GO."

AND THE FINAL WAY TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY.......

20. SEND THIS POST TO EVERYONE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK, EVEN IF YOU DO NOT KNOW THEM SO WELL.

Don't blame me if you end up in a stray jacket :P

Smart boy

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third- grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?" Harry: "Yup"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
(Principal was looking restless and bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." Harry: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means alot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

Your boss is always the boss

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one.""Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep."I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone."OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

MORAL OF THE STORY: always let your boss have the first say.

How old are you?

An elderly woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. Though he looked weathered and feeble, he had a content smile on his face. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a happy life?" "Well, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. waving awrinkled hand through the air, with a smoldering cigarette between his thumb and index finger. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing!" said the woman. "So, how old are you?" "Twenty-six."

A penny for you?

A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God. "God? You there, God?" he asked. "Yes. What is it, my son?" God answered. "Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked. "Go ahead, my son, anything." "God, what is a million years to you?" God answered, "A million years to me is only a second.">The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny." The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question."God, can I have a penny?" God answered, "Sure, give me a second."

A blonde joke

A blonde was filling up an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then she came to the column "Salary Expected :" She was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought she wrote : Yes

Ok, another one

Why did 18 blondes go to a movie ?
Because below 18 was not allowed.

Safe in the hospital

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 A. M., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around11 A. M. on Sundays. So a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 A.M., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

A caring father

A physician picked up his phone in the middle of the night to the frantic cries of one of his patients: "Doctor, you gotta help me! My 12-year old just swallowed a condom!," the distraught father cried.The concerned MD grabbed his bag and headed for the door. As he turned the knob, the phone rang again, and the previously agitated parent said, "Never mind, we found another one!"

Are you an arctophile?

IN MY NEXT LIFE

In my next life, I want to be a bear.If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

If you're a bear, you give birth to your children(who are the size ofwalnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

YUP. Gonna be a bear

Who's the robber?

Late one night in the Washington D.C. a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs."Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!""In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

You are what your name is

There was a woman who had 3 daughters. One day the first daughter asked her mother, "Why is my name Daisy?"Her mother replied, "Because when you were born a daisy fell upon your tiny head."Then the second daughter asked her mother, "Why is my name Rose?" Her mother answered, "Because when you were born a rose fell upon your tiny head."The third daughter, hearing this, muttered something under her breath. "What?" asked her mother. The third daughter again said,"Hrehow thouwehera yseeeeeeeher." Her mother, frustrated at her daughter's lack of speech skills, said, "Shut up, fridge!"

Whiskey or water?

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first into the water.The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail."Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked. Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Are you bananas?

As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where I work, I ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, I print it on an allergy band placed on the patient's wrists.Once when I asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn't eat bananas. Imagine my surprise when several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses' station demanding, "Who's responsible for labeling my mother "Bananas?"

Dress of Love

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked,waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter, "What are youdoing naked?" The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love."When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for herhusband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doingnaked?" She responds, "This is the dress of love.""Well," he says to her, "go iron it."

The hot princess

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE. The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and t he prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. :-[ The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?





M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

Don't marry a career woman

No, not anti feminist, but just a tongue-in-cheek joke

Bangkok!

Hahaha...This is classic. Who would've thought a good ol game of charades can turn out like this....

Isaac Newton commits suicide

Here is just one of those silly jokes that are non malicious but merely for a good hearty belly laugh.

Once, Newton came to India and watched a few Tamil movies that had his head
spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just
a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done. In the
movie of Rajnikant, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went
paranoid.

Here are a few scenes:

1. In one movie, Rajnikant has a Brain Tumor that, according to the doctors
can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great
Rajnikant is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes
through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured! Long
Live Rajnikant!

2. In another movie, Rajnikant is confronted with 3 gangsters. Rajnikant
has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a knife. Guess what he
does? He throws the knife at the middle gangster & shoots the bullet
towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills
both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills
the middle one.

3. In another movie, a gangster chases Rajnikant. Rajnikant has a revolver
but no bullets in it. Guess what he does? Nah. Not even in your remotest
imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster
shoots, Rajnikant opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches
the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. And
bang, the gangster is dead!

Now this was too much for our Newton to take! He was completely shaken and
decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie for one last time,
and thought that at least one movie would follow his theory of physics. The
whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn't
changed.

The 'climax' finally arrives...

Rajnikant gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high
wall. So high that Rajnikant can't jump even if he tries like one of those
superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajnikant has to
desperately kill the villain because it's the climax. ( Newton dada is
smiling since it is virtually impossible, right?) Rajnikant suddenly pulls
two guns from his pockets. He throws one gun in the air and when the gun
has reached above the height of the wall, he uses the second gun and shoots
at the trigger of the first gun in air. The first gun fires off and the
villain is dead

Newton Commits Suicide!

All a man really needs

Men are simple creatures. They have their basic wants and that's about it. Learn more about how simple man are based on a remote control. Enjoy!!

Fly with Qantas Airways

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers. By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.